Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Armageddon thwarted

You might think the greatest threat facing our great civilization is the Islamist/jihadi/Islamofascist menace. If so, maybe our top priority should be to guard against terrorist attacks, especially if they attack our treasured petting zoos in Indiana. Or, if you caught Al Gore's movie (or better yet, read Elizabeth Kolbert's Notes from a Castastrophe), you might be rightfully terrified by the planetary disaster that awaits if carbon emissions continue at our current pace. Or perhaps you're most concerned about North Korea and their errant missles, or Iraq, which is has just erupted (again).

Look, I won't belittle you: these are all legitimate fears. But you'd be mistaken to believe that these should be our top national priorities. Let's instead turn to our elected representatives, who, in their infinite wisdom, have identified the greatest threat to our way of life: a fence-jumping Mexican who arrives on our shores, burns Old Glory for kicks, and wants nothing much than to destroy the sacred bonds of married people everywhere by marrying some dude out in El Paso. Worst of all, this America-hating homo illegal siphons away American dollars by playing internet poker! To rub it in, this donk types in "en fuego," "tu es un pesco!" and other non-English taunts with his dirty brown fingers as he sucks out on red-blooded American males whose only crime is to flop top pair against the villain's gutshot draw. Suffice it to say, these dark degenerates must be stopped.

Budget deficits, Iran, Gitmo, health care costs and all that crap can, of course, be consigned to subcommittee hell. The most urgent point of business is to do something about internet poker. Make no mistake: a clear and gathering threat is on the horizon. If we fail to act, those ragtag Full Tilt bandits will seek to shut down Wal-Mart, take away our guns, and force us to speak French while praying to Allah. We can't let that happen. We must defend our way of life, with treasure and blood if need be.

There are those who don't think Congress can stop internet poker completely. Well, sure. But they sure can stop the flow of fish. And for that, we have our great GOP congressional leadership to thank once again. Thank you, Roachman Delay...or should I thank that new guy, whathisname?

One of the most dangerous criminals alive?