topic du jour

WANTED: gorgeous, semi-talented twentysomething starlet, preferably in no danger of ever becoming an A-list star. Bonus if supporting player of a high-budget summer action movie.

JOB: Full-time beard for nutcase Hollywood superstar in early forties.

COMPENSATION: $2,000,000 annual salary plus priceless publicity and potential for A-list stardom.

SKILLS: Must have talent in creating plausible romance for the entertainment-news media. This includes willingness to submit to cult-like behavior and ravings, smooching a man whose sexual orientation is a perpetual topic for rumor-mongers, and total disregard of personal dignity. Enthusiasm and determination are a must, but no experience necessary. Approved applicants will undergo one week of training with Kelly Preston.

the catch-all Hallmark post

* It's been over two weeks since Neal and Saskia staged their exceptionally tasteful wedding on the flats right beyond the 18th hole at the Pebble Beach golf links. The late afternoon sun breaking through the clouds as if on command, alighting the grounds with a soft golden hue. A glorious day, and a triumph for my brother and sister-in-law, who devoted so much energy into their altogether perfect wedding. And I say this as someone who typically hates weddings. Not so glorious: I'm still anxiously awaiting the professional photos, as the ridiculous puckered-lipped Mick Jaggerish poses I struck may top the notorious Queer Eye Shanghai pic for the most embarrassing picture of me in circulation.

* Congratulations to Scott and Ali, who were married over the weekend. Will married life change Scott's perspective, leading to him to raise even when he's not holding rockets? We'll have to find out some other week.

* Joanne and Amit, engaged at last. My heartfelt congrats once again, and please do ignore the post about nine down.

* Also, a bud may soon have to trade his Bruce Connor videos for DVDs of Robin Williams in clown outfits. My condolences, bud.