WANTED: gorgeous, semi-talented twentysomething starlet, preferably in no danger of ever becoming an A-list star. Bonus if supporting player of a high-budget summer action movie.
JOB: Full-time beard for nutcase Hollywood superstar in early forties.
COMPENSATION: $2,000,000 annual salary plus priceless publicity and potential for A-list stardom.
SKILLS: Must have talent in creating plausible romance for the entertainment-news media. This includes willingness to submit to cult-like behavior and ravings, smooching a man whose sexual orientation is a perpetual topic for rumor-mongers, and total disregard of personal dignity. Enthusiasm and determination are a must, but no experience necessary. Approved applicants will undergo one week of training with Kelly Preston.